The Lunch Break Three Days Before Halloween I Just Needed to Talk With Our Son Jacob Because I Miss You

The Lunch Break

Three Days 

Before Halloween

I Just Needed to Talk

With Our Son Jacob 

Because I Miss You

By John Rogan

Leila put down the receiver and said that would be the last call. Walking into Mr. Aferton’s office she said she would have to leave for her late lunch to go to the bank. Paychecks had just been issued for the week, so Mr. Aferton did not find the request suspicious. Leila was really not doing anything wrong, just odd. The endless ringing phones and shifting appointment times had seemed more unbearable than most days. She had just had her two days off and Leila had spent them sitting around the house with Jacob watching Pixar movies while he was awake. When Jacob was in bed she fell asleep to old romantic movies that were free with her Netflix subscription. She could not afford to rent movies. On-demand things were tight this month. So she had just sat around for the two days instead of spending money and going somewhere nice.

Truth be told her husband, Jake, and more his sudden departure from the living world was wearing on her. And the weight, the wear seemed so oppressive like Leila had some pulsing throb running in circles in her forehead and the tingling restlessness all through her shoulders, arms and fingers made her jumpy and easily startled. Jake’s death had occurred 7 years ago at the end of the week, Friday. Today was Monday and the week looked as bleak as her weekend. Leila sniffled a yelp gathering her purse, slipping on her jacket, briefly clutching her head with both hands. She really wanted to see, to hold her little boy Jacob. Jacob had gone off to school this morning, but as the school bus pulled away and she went back into the house to get ready for work, it was like a darkness, alone now, silence, fear, the family she created no longer together. Splintered like her memories, moods, and thoughts. Just a quick shopping trip with Jacob. She felt disconnected. It would anchor her. If maybe she just started crying, maybe everyone would feel bad for her, and tell her to take it easy, have a break, but she knew they would just laugh at her. Jake had called it being thin-skinned.

*

Stepping out of the office she headed for her car. With her heels clicking on the concrete she felt completely cosmically alone. Like there would never be anyone again. It had all been so well laid out. Built with such care. How could anything with such grandeur and emotional nuance ever be put together by two people again? Her car choked on to the high pitch whine it always made and she headed for her son’s school.

Jake had been a contractor. He mostly did electrical work and would have guys from his company over after work or on the weekends. Leila would sit out on the porch, smiling as they drank beers and the men acted like little boys. Jake had always been very active and gregarious since Leila had met him. Jake and Leila’s small little one floor house became the meet-up for multiple barbecues and Sunday get-togethers. It was her own little family and community that grew as the years went by. Jake became one of the Senior electricians at his company and the house would be the setting for dinners and big circles of men standing and drinking beer before the game started. Leila would be friends with their wives and she had a whole network Sarah Haymont, who she learned to golf from, Emily Gordon, who would take Jacob on play dates with their little girl, Celia Hent, who would go shopping with Leila at the Local Farmer’s market, and Anna Aranna who introduced her to hot yoga and talking romance novels over coffee.

When Jacob came along it was like something that was impossible, but had to occur, and it did. Jake and Leila were parents, proudly holding the little boy outside their house for photos of the little blue bundle. Guys Jake worked with came by to congratulate him and smoke and drink. The women would tear off and talk to Leila about the sleepless nights, the color of his room, but overall the tired joy that burst through every moment Leila had with Jacob. Jake would smile like Leila had  never seen before as he bellowed in his thick accent unbelievingly at some new devious smile, a stumbling run for the couch cushions, or an attempted word from the fastly growing Jacob. Jake started calling him Jake jr.

                              *

The whining was going full-pitched and flashes of light flashed cross Leila’s vision. The light was not turning and she was behind over 30 cars. When the light did change it was green for only four seconds, so only five or six cars could get through. Leila started to get hot behind her neck, then she started to smell the sweat and heat coming off of her. A couple months after Jake died she went to the hospital for an asthma attack. The doctors said there was nothing wrong and that it was her nerves most likely a panic attack. Psychosomatic the doctors had said. Which means basically all in your head just like Jake was now. In the center console was a small Xanax pill Leila took and bit a small flake off of.  She thought of the brother, drunk, and dead-eyed smashing through the side window and coming into the house. The dingy little table in the basement where the guys sat and played cards and drank, snorted coke, and ate Percocet. Leila upstairs with the girls. They always knew about the drugs, Sara liked coke a lot herself, but they always just rolled their eyes and went with the boys will be boys disposition and never mentioned it. On the next tired morning Leila had put Jacob in the car seat and had said goodbye to Jake. She asked him about work this week and how things had gone with the guys last night. Jake said everything was fine, just hungover and Leila wished him a good day.

While Jake was at work Leila got a call from Emily saying Jim Hent had a heart attack last night and died. Celia Hent then called Leila and blamed Jake and the coke he had for Jim dying. Celia screamed like something inhuman into the phone. Words Leila could not even decipher. When Jake got home from work Jim Hent’s brother was waiting outside. Leila was hiding in the bedroom texting Jake about a big, drunk guy pacing around the front of the house. Jake came home quick and began screaming at him in that scary way then he quickly came into the house. Jim Hent’s big drunk brother then smashed through the side door before Jake landed a baseball bat into his forehead. Leila was crying, huddling over Jacob to keep the sounds from reaching him. The Sirens came down the street and they all had to answer questions. Sarah, Emily, Celia and Anna were all questioned along with their husbands. Jake ended up taking the blame because he was in charge and everyone but Leila blamed him anyways. Leila knew this could break him. Jake always cared about the people around him as family and after Jim Hent’s funeral Celia vindictively went after Jake and got other wives to dislike Leila. A friend of Jim Hent’s made up a fake claim that got Jake to lose his Electrician’s license and so his job at the company. He was working side jobs. But everything had turned sour. The fighting, the gossip, the attacks had run their course over Jake’s psyche. Jake had wanted everyone to be a happy family. Leila had to start working as a cashier at Tj Maxx. One day after Jake had been out of work for over a month she got off her cashier job, picked up Jacob at daycare and walked into the house calling Jake.  After Jim’s death Leila and Jake had been fighting about the drugs. Leila was hoping he was not in one of his midday stupors, so she did not have to spend the night feeling icy, alienated, alone, and angry. The in-fighting after Jim’s death had been vicious among the wives. People took sides and factions kept splitting and fighting until no one talked to anyone. Leila was having trouble finding play dates. She could not find parents who had not heard the rumors about Jake and her. Leila bounced Jacob in her arms against her chest calling Jake’s name. It was silent.

*

The radio in the car turned to an obnoxiously loud commercial and Leila flipped the radio off annoyed. A line of pine trees created a shaded area along the street where other Parents waited in their cars for school to get out. The radio being silenced Leila heard the high pitched whining of the engine. Turning off the engine she stared into the shade and the yellow pine needles outside the passenger seat window. Fixing her eyes on the green branches and the shade her eyes went out of focus, then focused back on the shade, stilled, hearing herself breathe softly, she thought it was all a mess. And How, she asked herself, had she gotten this far away from everybody.

                               *

Jake was blue in the bathroom, not moving. She called the paramedics to revive him but they said he had been dead for hours already, nothing they could do. Someone grabbed Jacob from her and Leila fell away from the ambulances, her house, her street, and when she woke up in a hospital the doctors had to inform her again because it just could not be. She would never see him again, so the future stretched out lonely and full of things that she could not understand enough to love.

*

Leila saw Jacob’s fuzzy head step out of the school doors. It was a half day. He needed a haircut she thought. Halloween was in 3 days. She hated Halloween because it was around when Jake died. The way he innocently stared up and comprehended his world made all the tightness in Leila drain away. “Jacob!” She playfully yelled to him approaching the school. “Mom!” he exclaimed the lost comprehension of the swirling schoolyard giving way to light, recognition, and love.

“Ok, Buster”

“My name’s not Buster!” She smiled as he scolded his mom “it’s Jacob.”

“You are right Mr. Jacob. Did Misses Tellington teach you your name.”

“No, you taught me my name. Misses Tellington says it’s not nice to call people names.”

Leila’s feelings of Isolation had been heightened by the fact that Jacob seemed to not remember his father. Jacob was in 2nd grade now so only knew his father until he was 3 years old. Jake did teach Jacob how to walk, say his own name, as well as saying mom and dad’s, but just like a lot of moments Jake seemed to be cruelly absent from Jacob’s memory. Like it had all never happened.

Smiling entertained, but also thinking about Jake She said. “You are right calling people  names is bad, but Buster is just like a nick name. Nick names are okay. Okay?”

“Okay!” Jacob’s big green eyes, messy, thick, brown hair, and his tiny mouth shouted with more enthusiasm than Leila had previously imagined existed. “You’re a Buster!” He smiled and Leila gave him a big kiss on the cheek and said “ Mommy loves you.” Buckling him in to the back seat she said: “Do you know what we’re going to go do now?” She watched his mouth open with anticipation at what she would say. “What did you want to be for Halloween this year?”

“ Samurai Jack!” He said with a big smile. Then he started swinging his arms in the backseat. Leila softly smiled at the halted exclamations he would yell and then swing his arms around in a fury of what Leila assumed was supposed to be some type of Martial Arts.

“Ok, well we are going to go to the Halloween store and get your costume!” Some days it just felt like her and Jacob and no one else. Jake was there somewhere in the ether that Leila wanted to touch so bad, but there never was any indication of anything towards his existence. No hints, suggestions on how to re-connect, absence upon silence, with thoughts and memories pounding through the nights and mornings of her mind. She heard his thick accented voice holding Jacob in his arms in front of him. Jake and Jacob face to face “Dada, Dada, Dada”

*

Pulling into the Marsahalls parking lot Leila thought if she saw something on sale she might get it. She had about 20 minutes before she had to drop Jacob off at Daycare and be back at the office.  Jake would ask her to buy socks for him at this Marshalls and once she had surprised him with a big Carhart sweatshirt that was on sale right before the winter. Jake wore the sweatshirt on most days he worked and the sweatshirt was cut off his corpse when Leila had to identify it.

Leila walked through the parking lot next to Jacob. She took smaller steps as his small legs tried to keep pace with her. Many times Leila imagined seeing things through Jacob’s eyes, fresh, not-nearsighted, but most importantly unencumbered by loss, time passing, or emotional attachments leaving. It must be a whole new amazing world. Jacob was so excited going through the automatic doors that funneled customers into the Seasonal Halloween section at the front. Jacob grew visibly excited at the Witch’s hats, Scream masks, and Jack ‘ O ‘ Lantern decorations. Leila saw the same old dusty clothes store, the fluorescent lights with the same geriatric employees it always had. Now Jacob was doing Karate in the aisles. The Halloween displays had gotten him pumped up. A wave of exhaustion hit Leila as she thought about her remaining day at work. A smile lilted up the side of her cheek as she took note of Jacob  saying what he thought was some sort of Asian Martial arts commands before spinning into a frenzy of  swinging arms and jumping. To calm him down she thought they would go to the less stimulating Women’s section so Leila could see if any Summer stuff was on sale. “Okay Jacob, honey, Jacob, watch out for the Lady, excuse us. Jacob we’ll get Samaurai Jack in just a minute just come with mommy.”  Jacob paused like something important was happening, poked a grimacing Jack’ o ‘ Lantern in the nose and followed his mother in the direction of the Women’s section. Leila could not help but laugh to herself as this twirling pseudo-Chinese speaking child trailed behind her.

*

At the Women’s section Leila told Jacob to stay close. She wondered why she was even trying to buy clothes. She wanted to date again and had tried some online dates but politely trailed off because they were not like Jake. No one was. She felt she was being unfaithful to him on those dates. The strange men with Jawlines not like Jake’s, voices not like Jake’s, and none of the personality, energy or sheer determination Jake imbibed into his physical presence. Other people made her feel flat and underwhelmed but at the same time overwhelmed if that makes sense. There were millions, billions of them to comprehend. She was out-numbered in this world and the only person who understood enough to protect her had left. She stared up at the speakers with soft retail music coming out. It was Prince. Who had also recently died of a drug overdose. Jake hated Prince. Back when Prince was popular. Leila and Jake were just dating and Jake would call Prince gay and Leila would correct him and say how Prince was dating Carmen Electra and Jake would say no way. And it was not like today where you could just check on the computer. So Leila saw a tabloid in the grocery store with Prince and Carmen on it then ran home and called Jake right away.

Prince’s voice and the music flattened into static. The fluorescent lights spun around Leila’s head like planets. She was calling from the house phone to tell Jake he was wrong. She would do it cute when he answered the phone. So his voice would go that way when he appraised something he liked. But Leila looked onto the Linoleum floor and over the rubber bumpers where the carpeting began and racks of clothes started. Where was Jacob? The thought stabbed and she looked around her in a circle. She had no idea where he was. In the parking lot? Like that guy on America's Most Wanted's son, dead in a pervert's trunk? "The mother was not watching". Long years of loss creating themselves before her. The fear like waves. It was just a dial tone, ringing, ringing, and she was waiting for Jake to pick up on the other end. She could not see or hear Jacob. The racks of clothes dropped away and light squeezed into her eyes as she started to scream “Jacob!!!” The dial tone kept pulsing. Leila held the phone up to her ear and waited patiently. “Jacob!!” She screamed and employees were running towards her and now other customers. The dial tone got louder and kept pulsing in the receiver next to her ear “ Jaccobb!!” No one had seen a little boy with brown hair. No one knew where he was. She screamed tears coming out hard and violently flinging down her purse and pushing an employee and a customer out of her way she tossed her hair back over her forehead marching forward “Jaaccobb!!” crying, tears streaming down her face and the dial tone over and over going unanswered. Just racks of clothes and no one can find Jacob. She was choking. Leila could not breathe. “Jaccoob!!” She choked, tried to inhale, then cried. She could not breathe. Her doctor told her it was psychosomatic. It was all in her head. She flung her coat off onto the ground smelling the heat and body odor emanating off her face, neck and shoulders. Red, crying, and heaving to breathe she approached the security desk that had already put out a call for a lost child over the intercom. The security officer pushed the button to speak over the intercom again and Leila heard the dial tone and her head collapsed into her hands where the dial tone monotonously continued repeating and making no connection. Paramedics came and told Leila to sit down, she was in shock, she was shaking and crying, and muttering Jacob and she was breathing very heavily. The paramedic asked her to sit down again. “Jacob” she croaked “where is he?” She remembers asking the paramedic before him, the paramedics, Jake jr. and the dial tone stretching out long. The fluorescent lights twirled off the white ceiling and it was dark. Security had Jacob crying coming out of the Women's dressing room.

“Hey, Jake! Jake, it’s Leila.”

“Leila! Hey, It’s good to hear your voice.”